All Harlot and No STD’s

The snow finally melted enough for me to break out the old steed after her long winter nap. While back in the saddle I tried out the new Harlot Hawkeye mountain bike shorts. These shorts are typically what you would consider a downhill short, but since the downhill trails are covered in snow and mud I figured why not a cross county ride?

These shorts are great, but they are not perfect, so let me start with what I don’t like, then the rest is what I do like. First off, if you are going to name your company Harlot your model names should be Harlot names. Hawkeye was a doctor in the TV show MASH, and he was no harlot. A boozer yes, but not a harlot. Harlot should use names like Jezebel (sounds like a harlot from biblical times) or Mustang Ranch (not really a ranch, but if you are familiar with Nevada you know what I mean). This is more a marketing issue, so Harlot if you want to hire me to make your line sound more sleazy consider me your newest harlot.

Second, and this is a complaint across the board with mountain bike shorts. I have not ordered one pair that fits right. They all run way too small. What is the deal with the mountain bike industry? When I order board shorts in the same size I have way too much crack hanging out. Mountain bike shorts…I feel like Santa Clause climbing into a wet suit. In reality, especially with a downhill short, mountain bike shorts should run big so you can fit pads under them if you so desire. There are some pretty nifty impact shorts on the market, but now in order to wear them I need to get another pair of mountain bike shorts. Sure I could lose a few pounds to fit better into them, but it is still winter here in Utah and I still have my winter coat…if you know what I mean. This must be a conspiracy to make shorts run small to motivate us to ride so those lbs will come off. I am sure this is one of those back smoke filled dark room conversations that take place at Interbike, and oh yes they do exist. 

My third and final complaint is more a preference.  I prefer a short that has a chamois. I like feeling like I am in an adult diaper and walking like I was just in a rodeo. I know these are a downhill short, but even when I ride downhill I still prefer a short with a chamois, not everyone has this same preference, but since the shorts fit a bit on the snug side I can’t fit an impact short under them to get my chamois fixation.

Now to get onto the positives, these shorts are built burly. The material they use seemed like it was heading strait for Iraq and the folks over at Harlot snagged it off the ship en route. It really feels like the hardcore camo pants that you find at your local army surplus store. These shorts could handle impact after impact. Another thing I like about this material is even though it is strong it isn’t super coarse. A lot of times I have to wash my biking shorts before I can wear them, otherwise I get some serious chaffing and fellas we no how unpleasant chaffing can be right?

The coolest feature on these shorts is the stretchy material where the normal inseam would be. Now spandex is a swear word to downhill guys, however this stuff rocks. What harlot did was remove about two inches of the normal fabric on each side of the inseam and filled it in with this stretchy material. What is awesome about this material is IF you down hill guys have to pedal your shorts don’t get hung up. For those that don’t follow, sometimes when you pedal you can sit down on the saddle and the shorts will fold under you so when you pedal your shorts will wrap around you leg to prevent your leg from making a full bend. This is really annoying especially if you are in going downhill then making a quick transition uphill. This stretchy material prevents that by stretching ever so nice like if the shorts get folded under you somehow. If this explanation seems cloudy go put on a pair and go for a ride, you won’t be disappointed, and it will make complete sense. Also I thought this material would be toast after one ride. I expected to come home and look like the cat caught hold of the crotch of my shorts. To my udder astonishment they actually held up as well as the bulletproof exterior of the shorts. Another thing, Harlot really knows how to take care of your undercarriage, like most harlots do, because there are not crazy uncomfortable seams that get really annoying when you seem two different pieces of material together. Somehow they made these shorts seem together nice and smooth like butter. Those Harlots sure know how to think.

Other than that, these shorts are simple, good looking, comfortable, sexy, functional with deep pockets so all your personal belongings don’t fall out when you are riding. Bike shorts with shallow pockets have to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.

So go take a chance on this Harlot you won’t be disappointed or get an STD.

Be sure to check out Kaitlyn Watts’ review of the Harlot Sophia Jacket.

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